Selections from From Ex-wife to Exceptional Life™: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce

Winter Excerpts *

Helping is teh Sunny Side of Controlling

Our Wedding Anniversary

Births, deaths, christenings, bar mitzvahs, weddings and divorces are all rites of passage in our lives. They are significant events that we mark with family, community, and food. The wedding is the birth date of the marriage and divorce signifies the day it died. Both events have major significance in our lives and both events need to be acknowledged. Many divorced women feel ambivalent about these two dates as they grower nearer on the calendar.

As a women having gone through divorce, your wedding date may be a sad and contemplative day. How does it impact you? Do you still count the years? Or do you merely acknowledge the day for a moment and move on? Or do you acknowledge the day of the divorce and ignore the wedding day?

However you deal with these two days, they are uniquely yours. Some women find the first year after the divorce is the most difficult one but with each year; the memories blur as does the pain.

If an anniversary occurs before the divorce is final, both parties can find themselves in an awkward situation. Do we send a card? Do we ignore it? While there is no right or wrong, it is probably healthiest to share your feelings with a person other than your soon to be ex-spouse. Do you have any expectations about how he will behave toward you? Remember that just because you have an expectation, does not mean another person can or will fulfill it. To continue to count on his meeting that expectation can set you up for even more disappointment.

Celebrate a new anniversary. Rather than saying “This would have been our __ anniversary if we were together,” try saying it on the anniversary of the divorce.

“This celebrates my __ year as a single person.” That may feel awkward at first, but looking at the glass as half full instead of half empty can have positive effects on how you see your life. It may take time. Rejoicing in what you have, rather than mourning what you had will keep you filled with gratitude rather than regret.

Today I know that anniversaries serve as markers in my journey. When I think of my wedding anniversary, I will think of ways I can honor the marriage experience without sentimentalizing it. I will focus on learning how to rejoice for what was, but also how to enjoy and appreciate what is.

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Peripheral Losses

One of the most difficult and unexpected results of divorce is the peripheral losses we don’t anticipate. These losses directly or indirectly result from the break-up of the marriage. Some are expected and some are not. The ones that we don’t expect are the ones that hit us the hardest.

      The losses we expect:
•     A change in relationship with our in-laws.
•     Change in financial status.
•     Not having another “grown up” in the house.
•     Taking over the other person’s chores/responsibilities.
•     Not having a “built-in date.”
•     Someone to lift stuff.

      Some unforeseen losses:
•     The division of friendships.
•     The loss of someone who shares your whole marital history.
•     The loss of marital status.
•     The loss of the dream.

Each divorce, like each marriage, has its own characteristics and its own unique losses. We like to think that we have all our bases covered. We like to know exactly what we are in for. The truth is, we simply can’t imagine or plan for everything that will happen. If only we had a crystal ball!

There are stories where the wife’s family sided with the husband, the husband’s best friend ran off with his wife, or the wife’s best friend turned against her and sided with the husband. It doesn’t happen often. But if it happens to you, it is one time too many.

There is no way one can prepare for all the possible things that can go wrong. In life, we can’t prepare for the unforeseen. What we can do is work on our strengths, our self-esteem, and build confidence that we can recover from disappointment.

Today rather than focus on all the unknowns and things that can go wrong, I will focus on my strengths with the conviction that whatever disappointments befall me, I will find a way through them with courage and grace.

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If You Didn't Have Kids

When a couple does not have children, well-meaning friends and relatives often say, ”It is a good thing you didn’t have kids.” While it is true that divorce is “less complicated” without children, there is a certain finality to divorce of the childless marriage. Women, who didn’t have children, while grateful in some ways that they did not have to put kids through the divorce, sometimes feel sad. Children can serve as a testimony to the marriage having “value.” Children also serve as a way of staying connected.

When a couple divorces and there are no children, there is simply no reason for them to stay in touch. Women often grieve this, as it feels unimaginable to them that this person with whom they shared such an intimate connection will no longer be a part of their life. Furthermore, a childless couple who divorces is more apt to lose the connection with extended family and friends. This can compound the feelings of loss.

Well-meaning family and friends are often not sensitive to this experience. It is your responsibility to ask for what you need, explaining to them that the issues, while different from the marriage with children, are no less painful. Furthermore, it is critical not to minimize your own experience by letting others’ opinions distort your own grief.

Divorce is never easy, whether there were children or not. The issues are different, but placing judgment on which is “more difficult” undermines the process and invalidates the experience.

Today I will grieve for all the losses in my marriage, even if others have difficulty validating my experience. This was my marriage; my grief and pain are uniquely mine. I will ask for support from people who can accept my process without judgment or qualification.

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Helping is the Sunny Side of Controlling

“Really, I am just trying to help.”

How many times have we said that? How many times has some one said it to us? Giving advice, making suggestions, criticizing, belittling, insulting, making fun of, are all manipulative methods we employ to get someone to change their behavior. We think we know what is best for someone else. After all, we are the great nurturers. This is for “their own good!”

Think of the times you behaved in “helping” ways and your spouse (or children, friends, family, boss) acted insulted or annoyed. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot, and someone said those exact words to you. You may be saying, “Well, I would be grateful if they cared enough to say something.” Certainly, we want to hear that we have spinach in our teeth, or that yellow looks awful on us. Those aren’t the things I am referring to. I am referring to unsolicited advice, disapproval, or criticism. Would we really want to hear those things?

Sometimes, especially with a spouse or family member, our desire to “help” is really about our desire to change something to the way we want it to be. In other words, we have an investment in the other person changing. It may not be what they want. It is what WE want. This kind of helping is no longer about enhancing their lives. This is about our getting our desired outcome. And that is when helping becomes controlling. When we are controlling, we are no longer trustful or respectful. We are not respecting their choices and opinions.

As women, we talk a lot about being loved for who we are, not for how we look or what we do or what we say. We need to follow our own advice and behave that way toward others. Do you find yourself advising, directing, and orchestrating events, people or places for YOUR desired outcome? Do you feel frustrated, angry or resentful when your desired outcome is not met through other people’s behavior?

Today I need to look at my own behavior as part of my growth process. I need to see when I am too quick to step in and offer comments, advice, and criticism. I need to be aware that when I do that, my behavior is controlling and not helpful. I will be mindful of my goals when I offer to “help.”

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Winter Excerpts *